Enduring Toxicity
This might be for you if
You love your job, can’t quit (for whatever reason), surrounded by jerks and had a moment where you resembled those very jerks.
You are mentoring someone that is in this environment, struggling yet they refuse to quit. And they slowly start reflecting the toxic environment they are enduring.
I am not a therapist, below is my experience. However, I highly recommend therapy if you are in a toxic environment. Toxic, AKA, surrounded by people who are backstabbing, degrading, dismissive of you as a human, and constantly demanding more-yet it’s never enough. Often the effects of being in this environment are seen by us last. And usually after those closest to us have already drawn blood. If you are wondering, why would someone subject themselves to this environment?! Good job! I sincerely mean that. You are healthier and more emotionally mature than I was and therefore do not have to heal from this. But this also means this post is not for you. Swipe left.
If you cringe because you relate…you are not alone.
Story Time
War is not pretty. Overall, my deployments as an enlisted soldier were very lucky. I met amazing people, participated in fun missions, learned a ton, and lived to tell about it. However, you don’t get to quit when you are in the military, especially not in a combat zone. And toxic environments are equal opportunity.
SGT: “Self, we have a spot on a team, they desperately need help… But you would be the only woman on site…we don’t know how that will turn out. So we are going to keep you here in the office”. Me: “But I went into the military to go to war….WTF” I was bitter. It showed. Months later they had run out of work for me to do. Mainly because office positions were supposed to be staffed with seniors that could offer advice, wisdom, and guidance. I didn't have the experience to review reports or give advice. I was failing at a job I had yet to do. It didn’t take long for them to forget I was new and they began to openly criticise my work. Looking back, my leadership was just as frustrated at the predicament but we both had no idea on how to move forward.
Hindsight
Two false beliefs at play
1. I thought my leadership had the answers and were denying me.
2. My leadership believed it would work itself out. Set it aside for now until a solution presents itself.
Here is how that played out...
At that time we were working out of a small trailer as far from the bathrooms as you could get while still being surrounded with concrete barriers. Since there was no drinkable tap water, we would drink the provided clear plastic 1-Litre bottles. Eventually these bottles littered every nook and cranny adding to the base’s prison-like atmosphere. I worked with only men and we all drank water ergo, lots of empty bottles. We were a 100-foot journey in 115F degree heat from the bathroom. Rather than leave the blissful AC, my co-workers decided to reuse these bottles for the bathroom and place their pee-filled bottles by the trash can. The staff that collected trash refused to touch the bottles. The next day the trash would be gone but the bottles remained. Their response, throw the bottles under the trailer at the end of the day. One day, our leadership noticed a bottle peeking out of the bottom of the trailer. He looked under and wow, at least 50 bottles of varying degrees of fullness covered the ground. He was disgusted (not all of us are disgusting on deployments, only some).
SGT: “Self, go clean up the piss bottles under the trailer”.Me: ***Look of horror*** “Ugh, no. I make the trek to go to the bathroom, they should clean up their own piss”. SGT: ***a long sigh*** “Yeah, but you are the lowest ranking in the room”. Me: “Hmmm, maybe you should send me to a team. Then I would be amongst my peers and wouldn't be the lowest ranking with only the task of picking up piss bottles to fill my day. Nothing would prevent these guys from having to clean up after themselves. They are just going to do it again”.SGT: Stern look in my direction. “It’s a direct order”. ME: Glaringly walking away with slumped shoulders I went to change into my dirtiest uniform.This was not what I signed up for, what’s worse there was no glimmer of hope. My sense of failure at doing my job only increased with every task meant for someone more seasoned. My objectivity began to slip with each open dismissal of my competency. I am a bubbly person by nature but I began reflecting the actions/responses of those around me.
Fun Fact, in Vietnam they would use redundancy as a part of brainwashing. If you hear something repeated long enough, you believe it’s true. This is how criticism is weaponized. And often, weaponized criticism is a common gateway for toxic environments. “Fight fire with fire” and “they don’t deserve my kindness”, was my personal justification for adopting toxic behaviors. When my attitude changed my environment went from frustrating to downright miserable.
As a leader, avoiding (or postponing) a decision is a decision. Avoidance feeds an atmosphere just as much as attentiveness, but the effects take time to unfold. The lesson of this story is that not knowing how to handle something is okay. However, avoiding seeking the answer comes at the cost of the ones you are leading. Even children know bad attention is better than none.
Happy ending! By the end of the deployment I was on a team and causing lots of mischief.
This example is probably not very relatable, we all have our own story. Sometimes you are stuck in a team with prove-yourself-to-me co-workers, walking-on-eggshell leaders, no-one-cares atmosphere, or you-aren’t-qualified-to-talk-to-me partners. It’s not great but it’s also understandable if we start to adopt these attitudes. It’s okay to be human. I slowly realized reflecting my environment was not a matter of character, but time. Armed with the knowledge that I will eventually reflect my environment, I began to become intentional about the environments I subjected myself to going forward. And as a leader, the environments I cultivated.
Enduring Lessons
After we become aware of a situation, we are now responsible for our part. Here is what I incorporated to endure my environment.
Befriended another leader. On my second deployment I needed someone to vent to. I found another female leader. She lead the Army’s Bomb Squad for our base and became my venting partner. She didn’t suffer from “the only one” syndrome like I did, it was (more) normal for women to be in her unit and I frequently sought her out as a sounding board to maintain objectivity.
Create a routine. I created a routine to connect with something I believed in to remind myself this environment was not how the rest of the world worked. i.e. Daily readings of the Bible (or <insert religious book of choice>), inspirational meditations, journaling, prayer/meditation, etc.
Cultivate Relationships outside of work. I became VERY intentional about the people I spent my time with outside of working hours.
I found a female friend from a different unit for daily workout sessions. When I get depressed, sleep and working out are the first to go. This ensured I had a habit that would give me social time while also ensuring I couldn’t physically crash.
Joined Cigar wednesdays. Every wednesday, I would smoke cigars with a group of guys from multiple units outside of a choo and tell ridiculous stories. (Thank you to those that donate cigars to deployed soldiers!) This satisfied my need for comradery.
Learn something. I started taking an online college course (always checking for a forgiving instructor due to crazy mission schedule). This satisfied my need to feel like I was mentally progressing in my field. Try an online course or cert. There are tons of free resources now.
Get a hobby. Thank you Airforce! We were deployed with a Puerto Rican National Guard unit and the Airforce allowed them to teach a salsa and bachata class twice a week at their facility. I joined when I could and still dance to this day. This allowed me to fully disconnect from anything even closely relating to my worklife. Hard to vent about work when you are trying to coordinate feet and hands to music with a partner.
I think these actions enabled me to have fewer regrets and bounce back quicker from a purpose filled yet miserable worklife. But I didn’t get out unscathed, even with concerted effort. There were a couple of false beliefs I had acquired or just flat out believed that I had to face.
false beliefs
I believed that my experiences did not impact those I loved. Wrong.
I believed I could resist being impacted by a toxic atmosphere if I was just <insert some belief here> enough. Wrong, now with an added feeling of shame & failure since my <insert some belief here> was not enough.
Others had it worse. This is just life, right? Wrong, sprinkled with more shame.
Replacement Truths
Comparison is the thief of joy
I am enough as I am right now, my pain does not invalidate others. It’s mine.
The work is not more important than the environment, they are two sides of the same coin.
Timebox suffering. Once you realize the situation, set an end date. Having a plan gives hope.
Hindsight is 20/20
Doing it again, here is what I would add.
Have a counsellor or a therapist. If you are going to intentionally subject yourself to this environment, allow yourself a person that is your advocate. Purpose can be twisted easily in this environment.
A support group. Others that were facing the same problems and open to discussing solutions, relating, and sharing where we were at.
“Here is what I did in my situation and this was the result”.
Courage to disagree, act in my beliefs while everyone else smeared or mocked me.
Me: “It’s not okay to talk crap about our leader”.
Joe: “They talk crap about you all the time”, followed with a look of disgust.
Guardrails. Subtle compromising eventually led to lack of integrity.
“You can’t hold me accountable for something you do not or can’t do!”
Letting others define the situation amidst my confusion.
“They only want to work with you because you are the only woman on base”.
Not allowing myself to change my mind and owning that change on a topic.
Joe: “But you said this!”.
Me: “Yes I did, but I have since changed my mind”.
Losing site of the marriage between compassion and accountability.
Joe: “I was only late a couple of times, you are such a hardass. This is why no one likes you”.
Losing my identity to what others projected on me rather than a higher power of my understanding.
“You came in here with this attitude and now you expect others to do what you say?!”.
I have found, the more exclusive the club (in my case, the intelligence community) the more opportunity for toxicity to infiltrate. None of us become toxic intentionally, who would actually want that?...no one. But the biggest lie is that it just affects me.
When asked how someone so successful could go bankrupt, Ernest Hemingway answered, “It started gradually, then suddenly”.
Key Takeaways
Don’t hold your motives against yourself. Most ambition is fueled from an inner purpose (such as protecting others, righting a wrong, fixing a problem, etc.). Right size your purpose and identify/immediately address when others are twisting it.
Identify tools to cope with this environment (more than one).
None of your friends signed up for your sacrifice. That doesn’t mean, “get rid of the friends”. Although, isolation was my first reaction. I didn’t want to leak toxicity onto them. Isolation quickly blurs the distinction of the actual issue. The answer I found is to draw closer in relationships & do my part to be at peace.
Your energy affects those around you, it is natural to reflect the energy of your environment. Recognize and build guardrails around the energy you are giving off.
What is the “why” behind the determination? Is this really the only place you can accomplish this “why”? Is there a bigger “why” you care about? Or is this the only environment you can see given your current perspective?
